To answer questions about the goats by Bex...

Unfortunatly... we now have no goats.
We had two at one point but the first one died last year. Just dropped dead for some reason. Mind you that one was pretty messed up and half crazy. Honestly. Couldnt decide if it was male or female, it was a very confused poor little thing.
I say "little". What I mean is "baby horse sized". Enormous creature.
No one realy liked that one. Which makes you feel bad cos its dead. But i still didnt like it lol,

As for Shadow, our lovel second goat, she died not so long ago.
I wasnt there, but they told me that she didnt come up to be fed one night, and they went to look for it, and as my little sister was leading her up to the house, she had a heartattack and died (the goat not the sister)
She was actually really sweet. Black and shinny and gave milk. Not that I really liked milk, but anyway, she was super cute and very tame. Lovely goat. :(

Good morning,

It is 7:41am here, Just finished my youghurt, im gonna workout soon, but i just thought id drop by as I havent posted anything in aaages.
Uni is going great, really, its very fun ^^ and im meeting some very nice people, its awesome.
But its getting hectic. We have sooo many progects to hand in... We have two for this Wednesday, wich we havent actually started with.. Were so behind. But we will get them sorted withing the weekend. Then we got a bubch to hand in in january after the holidays.
And then studying for exams. Scary.

On another note. I cant wait till Christmaaaas hahaha, apart from the fact that im going to Norway on the 26th, I have some really nice presents for people.

-For my sister: 1 heart necklace, a muffin purse, some heart earings, a top with a horse on it, a colourfull lollypop, some sweets, and a very cute little notebook (she loves writing) wich has the cover of a spell book.
All this stuff is gona go in a grooming box, as she has the brushes and stuff but no box to put it in. Thats gooming stuff for our donkey. Yes we now have a donkey. Mouahahaha

-For my darlings sister : (feeling a little obliged here to buy pressents for his mam and sis, cos they are buying stuff for my family, but whatever, its nice anyways) for her i got a cool gray top with a picture of a girl and te words "be yourself" on it, I think shell really like it. Im happy with that pressent.

- Now.. for my darling, ive still to get something. Im gonna buy him a PC game he wants. If its not too expensive and I can, I will buy him more than one but we will see. :D

- I wanna get something for my dad too. I think ill get him a bottle of his favourite whiskey haha. That will make him happy

- I havent said what I got for my mother or for my darlings mother as I know the mother unit follows my blog and i dont want her to know what i got her, and i got something similar for the darlings mother unit too.

Havent got anythign for D's father, but hes not big on pressents really either. If i see something i like for him, ill buy it though.

Ive never done this, but im gonna finih off this post with a question

What gifts have you got your people for christmas?

Dear White Fox

I sure hope so too ^^
you seem really nice <3

Right,

so Ive changed my template,
I hope I can receve comments now

Im quite happy with it , I like it like this ^^

So yea, if someone could try to comment on this post it would help me see if its all working, just say something random xD

Blog theme and comments.

Its anoying me, having this theme... I mean I love it, but its really anoying me that noone can comment on my posts...
At least thats what im told
So I dont know if people are trying to comment but are failing
or if im being boring and noone is bothering....
It feels lonely here ...
Maybe its time to look for a new theme, because ive tried and failed at the commenting thing..

This song...

Rise Against - Make it Stop (September Children)

A friend passed me this song today and waching it made me cry… People just dont realise do they. 

In loving memory of 

Tyler Clementi, age 18.
Billy Lucas, age 15.
Harrison Chase Brown, age 15
Cody J. Barker, age 17
Seth Walsh, age 13

All took their young lives because they were shamed for those they chose to kiss…

<3

Ansiedad Social

Respira...

Te concentras en el aire que entra y llena tus pulmones, el que en un suspiro se escapa de tus labios, y aunque sientes como te sube el pecho lleno de oxigeno, aun asi notas como te falta el aire.

Te late el corazon un poco mas fuerte de lo normal y notas esa sensacion de panico al sentir que te ahogas. 

Te paras. 

Respiras. 

Andas.

Te concentras en el sonido de tus pasos y le sonido ridmico te llena la mente y te calma un poco. El puño en tu pecho comienza a relajarse. El aire te llega. 

No quieres hacerlo pero sabes que lo tienes que hacer. 

Alzas la mirada y ves la multitud de gente andando, corriendo, gritatndo, hablando, moviendose por todos lados, llenando la calle. Se acercan, se alejan, rien demasiad alto, se tropiecan, se chocan entre ellos. 

Los sonidos de la calle se alzan mas y mas y mas... Sientes como te llenan la cabeza. Las voces de desconocidos caen sobre ti como una avalancha. Te falta el aliento

El panico te llena. 

Cada vez mas ruido, como una ola de sonido que solo va a mas. 

Te retubman los oidos. Las palabras habladas parecen gritos en tus oidos.

Te duele tanto la cabeza 

No queres ir por alli

Pero tienes que hacerlo. 

Para llegar a casa tienes que pasar por este chaos.

Sabes que lo puedes hacer. 

Lo haces todos los dias

Pero eso no evita la sensacion de panico que te paraliza, te llena, te agarra del cuello y te ahoga...

Paras

Cierras los ojos.

Respiras.

Y andas.

Hello

Ive tried to write but i dont know what to say in this post. Im tired and im not feeling 100% well, i miss people.
University is going well ,though mostly for now its just presentations xD havent had any actuall classes.
Im nervous, the teachers all seem more or less nice (some more than others xD) And my roomates are nice ^^ Helpfull when i need something, they're friendly but they keep to themselves mostly wich suits me fine
Theres not much more to say.
The apartment is very nice, theres quite a bit of room. My bedroom has mint green wald wich looks nice, and it has bookshelves for oll my fiction ^^ AND i have a double bed!
Haha
The only bad thing aboutit is this decoration thing wich is hanging on the wall and is impossible to remove lol
Its a nice place ^^

25September

I moved in to my apartment yesterday.
Today I met one of my roomates
She seems nice

I miss my mam

18!

Today is the firts day of my eighteenth year.

!!!!!!!

Happy birthday tooo meeeee (8)

Hello People

Its been ages since I last posted here , I have quite alot of news ^^

I now have accomodation in Almeria ^^ a nice little flat im gonna be sharing with two other girls who I havent actually met yet but whatever, xD My mam has spent the last two days buying me stuff to take to my flat, I got new bedclothes, new towels, a washing basket, a trash can, I got countless diferent types of washing products, a LOT of food, new pillows, a new little mirror.. etc. 

so Im pretty much ready to move in I guess

My mams even made me a little First Aid kit just in case 

Im nervous.

Later on I ave to go to my local University, as thats where i sat my exams, so that they can transfer the information to the Almeria University. 

Im gonna have to go there and improvise and hope they understand what i want, cos really i have no idea what i have to ask for exactly xD 

Hopefully ill see my best friend who is going there. Ill miss her, Ive in the same classroom as her for years, its gonna be wierd not having her there. >_<

On other news, Im seeing my Darling soon ^^, hes coming to see me in 9 days, and he will be staying with me at my flat I cant wait to see him again, Ive been missing him so much. Also hes been having a rough time, so i think it will do him good to have a short break.

Also , It is my birthday soon ! 

I will be 18 in two days time @_@ 

My Darling is getting me a better laptop ^^ 

Ive been told that people are not able to coment on my blog, I have noticed the lack of activity on my blog, but I didnt think it was because there was this kind of trouble. maybe its the layout or something, but I dont know how to fix it >_< wich makes me sad. . I miss your comments. I want to know how to fix it. . . 

To Brenda ^^

My very first follower ^^




Feliz cumpleaños !!


I hope your having an awesome, amazing day ^^






Happy birthday beautiful :)  

Omg

I got in to the universidad de Almeria!!
Im in

Back

Ive been back for 6 days now

Leaving Norway felt like it was the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life....

It was like i was tearing myself appart...

Im glad I posted about Norway before... I couldnt face talking about it now...

Why does it have to hurt so badlly......

To my Sis...

I was just reading your Deviant Art page
Seriously you should keep writing sis
Your amazing

I relate to so many things that you write...


<3

Hello

I wonder if anyone still reads my blog
I never seem to get any comments any more, its kinda sad lol
let me know im not forgotten ^^
Haha am I lame ? xD

My adventures in Norway

Wow
Please dont feel intimidated by the length of this post xD I hope you will read it


hi there, im sorry if it feels like ive dissapeared Ijust havent had the time to blog till now.
I am still in Norway, and ive been having the most amazing time, i dont want to go bach home xD
But i have to, damn university strating this year
I leave in 2 weeks
I guess it maybe sounds like alot of time for a holiday, or at least for me as other holidays i have had have been around that length, but it feels like so little time to me now, especially compared to the whole duration of my stay wich is 7 weeks..
I remember te plain ride over here, i sat next to this nice young woman with her young child who was so cute and well behaved, they were going home to oslo after a holiday in Barcelona, there had been trouble with the flight over there so they had to drive to Alicante for another one.
The ride was about 3-4 hours but it didnt feel like that much, i had the window seat and flying over Norway is just beautiful. it took forever for my luggage to apear but it did finaly (my darling thought i may have been stopped by customs cos i way taking so long).
I walked out and i saw my Darling, i was soo excited ^^ and happy.. happier than ive felt in a long time
he held me and kissed me and we walked out of the airport and his dad appeared so we got in the casr and drove all th way to where he lives

Its beautifull here, he lives in a group of apartment blocks, but they arent too big and they are all nicely seperated and all pretty and its surrounded by forests, Ive found these cute little mini strawberries, and blueberries, and also rassberries all growing wild in the forest, its like some sort of farytale.
Hes taken me to some of the laces where he used to play when he was a child , deep in the forest, where he built cabins and treehouses.. I wish i lived here

He has a cute cat called Wilma, shes so beautifull she is black and white and has long fur, shes being so cute now rubbing up against my legs

Weve been up to so much, hes shown me around the surroundings, hes taken me to Ski, and Oslo, and to this water slide place a bit far from here where we had a very good time, then we traveled north with his mam and his sister to where his grandmother lives, it is such a beautifull place, so green and rich and full of running water, she lives right next to thes famous Norweigan fjords, its so nice.
While we were there we had a big walk with his sister who was leading us up this mountain, to near the top to this farm full of while goats and sheep, and for some reason there were a couple of llamas there too.
And the view was amazing. The only bad thing about all that was the way up and down the mountain was basically rocks, mud and water. And when we got to the top i slipped and landed in some mud and got my back all muddy >_>
Apart from that it was great ^^
I was also shown around the little village and  one of the days my Darling and i went down to the village and we snuck in to a hotel and up to the rec room and played pool ^^
Also there was this big trapoline near the grandmothers house and my darling, his sister and kept going over there and jumping on it. call me a kid but i had loads of fun haha ^^

Then my Darling and I headed back to the apartment ( seriously.. its an 8hour journey ) The going back journey was better then the one going there, i got car sick and low blood pressure and had do sleep it off  that time, but coming back went much faster and much better.

The mother unit and the sister unit are still over there now though, and we still dont know when they will be back xD Has to be sometime soon though cos the sister has to start school soon.

The reason for why I now suddenly have the time to write this insanely long post is because im home alone right now, with reminds me, I should go and check Wilmas food, she may need some by now.

Back-
Ok i fed her now, so im home alone, because Darling is working today. Ill explain.
years ago he dropped out os school so he startede working at this warehouse with his dad. Now he is back in school ( cooking shool ^^ ) His dad still askes him to come in now and again on his days off to help a bit and earn a bit of money, so he went today and possibly tomorow.

Its wierd not having him here.. im used to being with him all the time its strange to be alone
It will be so hard going back home....

All these memories are kind of bittersweet because they feel like forever ago.. wich makes me feel like time is going soo fast and i cant keep up... time just slips away...
second after second flashes by untill your whole life has ended and then you die..
And then your forgotten
like you never even existed
but life goes on
All thos thougts give me a scared sad feeling in my stomach.. and ive been thinking them quite a bit, esspecially as im nearing the end of my stay and i see how fast time slips away...

I dont want to think about that now though. I dont have my dalring here to hold me and make me feel better.

So thinking of something happier.
The food is Amazing.
My Darling has been cooking for me and seriously he cooks so well haha everything is delicious.
Ive been trying all these new tradicional meals over here, like for example there are these fish things called  fish pudding, but its not really a pudding but whatever. its delicious
I think were having that today ^^
Also weve found this restaurant called Nam Nam , is a chinese restaurant and they are noodle specialists, and the food is so nice^^
Were gonna go there again sometime soon.

ALSO!
more news.. The bomb, i guess youve probably all heard about the bomings and the shooting in the capital but no worries were all fine, we are a bit outside Oslo an luckily we didnt take the train down to the city that day so were all still good.. Its such a tragedy though..
just .. wow
i never thought id be so close to a terrorist attack.. its kinda scary
maybe the world is going crazy

Anyways , I think thats about all of it
Congratualtions for making it to the end of this post xD

OMG ~

IM GOING TO NORWAY
ON SUNDAY
YAAAAAY

Sis if my grandma hears about this and starts freaking out i will hold you resposible for the info leaking.
 I still dont know if its safe to tell her or not cos she really dosnt want me to go lol shes scared for me..

but yea anyways

IM GOING TO NORWAY
at last :D

Im so happy ^^

Im going on July Sunday 3rd and ill be there till August Sunday 21st
I dont even know what to say im so happy


I made it!!!!

Science and Faith

You wont find faith or a hope down a telescope
you wont find heart and soul in the stars
you can break everything down to chemicals
But you cant explain a love like ours...



The Script.

unfair

Does anyone even really care anymore?

Step 3

I PASSED MY UNI EXAMS!!
yaaay now all i have to do is be accepted ^^
This feels so amazing
ANd Ive dyed my hair. Red
It looks very good in case you wonder
xD
Im so happy right now

Whatever

Nothing goes right today. Im sick and tired of messing everything up...

Step 2

Soorry for not posting for ages , Ive been going crazy with my "step 2" wich are the entrance exams for Uni...
Now, AT last I have finished the exams.
I THINK I passed
I hope
panic.
Breeeeeathe
ok
So now all im waiting for are the results on the 22nd... breeeeeathe,
I feel more stressed now than whe i was sitting the exams
Now all thats left is the 3rd and last step.
Actually getting in to a University
I have found some ones wich ask for a lower result in case i dont get enough to go to the one i want to so i hope thats covered. Im so excited ^^ When I get the results I will know for sure if i am able to go to Norway to see my Darling, we have made soo many plans for when i go there, wich is probably a bad idea cos its not 100% sure im gonna be able to go, but we have anyway. Weve even planned what seat ill sit in in his dads car when he coms to pick me up xD He wants to take me on a small cruise too @_@ Hes so sweet.

And today is his Birthday ! Hes 20 now, my mam keeps joking that hes to old for me now, that joke is actually getting anoying now though shes said it so many times >_>

And Id love to also welcome my new followers :D I hope you have a happy stay reading my Blog ^^ I havent had new folowers for so long so this was a nice surprise. I try to follow all my folowers too to see what interesting people read me @_@ but i have been unable to see Ashley Lunas blog, though maybe she dosnt have one or something. I think my mam dosnt keep a blog but she has an account so she can follow me >_> So yea Miss Ashley Luna if you do you could drop your blog address if you want ^^
Im feeling so happy and relaxed now
I wish i was with my boy ^^

Pink~

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire

Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated
Misplaced, missunderstood
Miss know it, it's all good
It didn't slow me down

Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look I'm still around

Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You're wrong

Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you instead

So complicated
Look how we are making
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game

It's enough
I've done all I can think of
I've chased down all my demons
I see you do the same

Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

The whole world is scared
So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer

So cool in lying
And we tried tried tried
But we try too hard
It's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics
Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair

Stringe ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Yeah?

Oooh?

Oh pretty pretty pretty

Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less, than less than perfect

Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

You're perfect
You're perfect

Pretty pretty please
Don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please
If you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

Step One

IVE PASSED.
This is the first step to an amazing summer
I just got my school results and i have passed EVERYTHING.

Now for step two
Study like Crazy untill the Uni exams
on the 9th , 10th , and 13th of this month

Step three is to pass those exams and to get enough result to be accepted in Uni

And THEN Im off to Norway


MOUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA

I can do this!

Blind

No one sees
noone notices what goes on behing my eyes.

Another Blog..

Please feel free to follow me ^^

http://milmiradasefimeras.blogspot.com/

Representations of some of the things im feeling~

Hiding behind a mask....

So lonely...

Still waiting for you ... come back to me 

Plese dont leave me.... 

But it hurts so much... 

I hate it so much . . .

I wish i could just end this pain. . .

I wish i could disapear and stop feeling for a while

Forever.
You Know That.

I cant wait for the day when I will know that im never gonna be apart from him again.

I keep remembering little things he tells me 

He said that being with me, for him, its like being in heaven. Like hes died and gone to heaven.

He said that he never wants to leave me... he cried when he said that...

I have all these beautifull memories.

They are what make me smile when im feeling bad

But also what tear me up inside when im missing him so badly . . . 

. . .D

Im sorry I havent posted for a while, I havent had the chance.
First there were lots and lots of exams, and
then my Darling came
and now hes left.
He left yesterday.

I feel myself spialing again like I always do once the reality that hes gone again sets in my brain and shouts at me
 telling me Im not gonna be able to have him in front of me,
Im not gonna be able to touch his face
to kiss his lips
to feel him hold me
his arms wrapped around me..
to hear him whisper to me while he holds around me
Im not gonna see his cute expressions
and hear his sensless random frases
I even miss studying with him....
I wish i could look in to his beautifull eyes now....

He is asleep now. We talked last night and he set his alarm for 10. I did the same but i woke up earlier
Ive been awake for like 2 hours now, or maybe 3

I can never sleep well when he goes....

I wish I could see him sleeping.

It hurts so much to see him walk away....

like something vital inside is dying ....

my head and my chest feels like they are going to explode....

my eyes ache....

Why is is that the best part of my life brings me so much pain...
why cant i be selfish and have him all the time
Its not fair...

I just feel like jumping off a cliff right now.. I hate this feeling. So Much.

England ~

Going to England
Tomorow!!
:D
See you soon sis
Mouahahahha

Mother Unit~

Ive just found out that my mother reads my blog.
She is an anonymous folower >_>
Sis beware, she follows you too! !
This is a conspiracy
>_>
<_<

Nightmare....

I had that nightmare again last night . . . The first one I wrote in my blog. Except it was a bit different
This time I could see the face of the girl,
and of course it was H . . .
This time the door wouldnt open and I was forced to wach them. . .
This time H saw me.
She came up to me
and started saying stuff
" Hes mine. He always has been"
no... hes my Darling....
" Don't call him that. Thats what Ive called him since I met him, and i know him years more than you do"
" Are you blind? Didnt you see what just happened? He wants me. Not you"
Shut up...
"He dosnt want you"
" Im better than you"
" Its so funny that youd ever hope hed choose you over me"
"I mean look at you"

She said so many things. . .

Then she opened the door. And pushed me out.
And all the time he just stared at us
Not saying or doing anything

I felt my blood freeze and when I woke up I was crying so hard. . .

. . .

Past Playlist!

Right now I am listening to some music i used to listen to but wich i havnt heard for ages, and I had forgotten how much I liked this music. ^^

NOW Im listening to The Veronicas, wich are two twin girls and they are awesome by the way , and really pretty
I love their voice ^^

Listen to it, its very cool

Untouched~

I feel so untouched
and I want you so much
that I just cant resist you
Its not enought to say that i miss you
I feel so untouched
right now need you so much
somehow I cant forget you
going crazy from the moment I met you !


......


Next on this playlist is HIM
Wow its been forever since I heard this O_O
I remember sitting with my best friend listening to HIM for hours in the summer.
I have some really nice memories listening to these songs ^^

-

Killing lonelines~

With the venomous kss you gave me
Im killing lonelines.
With the warmth of your arms
you saved me
Oh Im killing loneliness with you!

-

Wings of a Butterfly~

Come on lets show them
your love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul
my love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly

I hope you enjoyed some of the music I used to listen to
I honestly dont know why i stopped listening to this
^^

It sucks being ill ~

Today Im not well. So I stayed home. Despite having an important exam going on today.
But my head is banging and my throat is swolen and Im dizzy all the time so the exam can go to hell, im going to sleep.
I have work tonight, looking after this kid and helping him with his english homework for an hour. Ill have to text his mam and tell her I wont be able to make it. I feel a bit bad about it, because the mother is really nice, and she gets kinda lonely cos shes stuck in the house all day because she is so inmensely pregnant shes not allowed to get up and she enjoys having some company and the kids taken care off for an hour while her husband is still working. But whatever, i cant help feeling sick, and she does not want her kids to get ill so she cant complain-

I have a problem. Which is im getting very hungry. But not my mam or my sister are here, because mam is working and sara is at school. And i cant walk cos i fall down because of my dizzyness... Hmm
Im going to have to drag myself on the floor or something to get to the kitchen soon.


Oh no.. This man has just arrived here. Hes doing constructionn work on the bathroom. Now I cant drag myself to the kithchen. Damn.

Well Ill think of something. At least i dont have to go down any stairs or anything.

I am so Bored....

I have been listening to so much music i dont know what to listen to anymore,
Ive been writing untill i cant think of anything else to write.
Ive listened to some Soko thanks to Brenda
She very cool and random ^^
Ive chatted to my darling for some minutes during his breaks
But i dont know what to do now

It sucks being ill

I miss you ...

Emptiness...

The emptiness within her soul
It seeps between her fagile ribs
The pain she has become to know
to feel and fear with every breath
grows numb and slowly, slowly fades
and takes with it her thoughs of death
she feels the emptiness embrace
the hollow feeling in her chest
she slowly gathers up her thoughts
from all the tangled thrashing mess
her mind it struggles to be free
but she holds tight the emptiness
that numbs the thoughts that make her scream
that leave her such a screaming mess
that draw away her sanity
She lies alone and stares ahead
the freezing night, it strokes her skin
the only thoughts within her head
of when the pain will strike again

Tinnitus..

Do You know what its like to have a song going through your mind on a loop so loud it makes you want to bang your head agains the wall untill you pass out just so as not to hear it? No matter how beautifull the song may be.

Ive had the piano instrumental version of "In The End" of Linking Park for the last 3 days getting louder and louder in my head. Ive wached movies, listened to loud music trying to drown it out but the minute the distraction ends its there even louder.
I love the song, but put the song on and crank it up to loudest in yor headset and listen to it over and over and over and over and over.  .  .


I hate it when this happens. My dad sais its probably the Tinnitus that makes this happen. My minds way of changing the sound in my mind that isnt that high pitched whining.
At least im kinda getting used to that noise though seeing as ive had it as long as i remember.
Its either get used to it or go crazy
It gets so unbearable.
But its not always very loud. Sometimes i can go quite a while with it just being low backgrownd noise wich is fine. But some times it flares up and i cant even think.
Mostly its that high pitched whining. But sometimes its songs that get stuck in my head that just increase in volume and i cant seem to stop it.. like this time.
Sometimes its even worse and its screaming, or loud whispers in my ear that i cant understand. That only happens after a particulaly bad nightmare or if i get really bad beacuse of something...

But mostly its just the whining.

Does it ever get easier?...

Every time...

Every time he leaves
It feels
like as if part of my soul is ripped out and killed
My heart is torn and shredded
Im falling to peices inside.

I die a little more
every time he walks away from me

Theres screaming in my head
My eyes are aching
pressure on my chest
as if someone is trying to force life out of me
Its not fair.
This is not how it should be
I cant breathe....

I would kill to be in your arms right now
Only you can stop the pain

My darling
It tore me apart to see the tears staining your face
My poor darling
My amazing beautifull loving darling
crying because it hurt so much to leave me...

I love you so much, its unbearable how much i miss you
You are Everyhting.

I wish so badly you were still holding me.
I need my Darling...

^^

Im gonna be with my Darling tomorow!

This week is gonna go so fast. 

<3

3 days...

I havn't really felt like posting anything recently
Nothing much has happened

I'm feeling sad today.
Saturdays are usually my favourite day, I look forward to it all week, because it is the day when I get to talk to my Darling all night long. But he has gone to his friends house for the weekend. The whole weekend. And aparently he wont be able to come online at all. This makes me so sad, talking to him always makes my week worthwhile, and i miss him so much. It feels so strange and lonely not to have him here.
No worries though hes not going to H's house*    >_<
He's gone to another friends house, "Angry Friend" we call him xD I forget why he was angry. We call him that because when Darling first talked about him the guy was anoyed about something, so when ever he refered to him after that  he would say "you know, that friend of mine who was angry" and from then we just ended up calling him "Angry Friend" or "Angry Nub" haha
So he has gone to the Angy Friends house, and he will be "hardcore gaming" as he sais >_>
He must be very concentrated because i sent him a text half an hour ago and he hasnt answered lol
Im not freaking about that or anything, don't worry, I just mention it because it is strange in him.
I really wish i could speak with him.
I miss him so much
But , suprisingly, im not feeling as bad about not beig able to talk to him as i usually would
Because I know I will be able to talk with him in 3 days
face to face ^^
I cant wait.
I am going to be with my Darling again, even if its only for a few days
But untill I can see him and be with him close and safe, I will still feel so lonely, and empty.




*"H" is the inicial of the girl I spoke about in a previous post -here-.

Today I feel like this.

So lonely. . .

Doctors and Darling

-Doctors.
Ok. So I suffer form dizziness and backouts, and so I have been going to the doctors to see whats wrong with me.
Aparently Im fine.
Nothing the matter with me
At all
Whatever.
Well I know there is something wrong, there has to be, I cant be getting migranes, dizzy spells, blackouts etc and there be nothing wrong with me.
So I have an apointment on the 14th to the cardiologist.
How ironic
Im going to see the heart guy on valintines day
Whatever
So there gonna do some test to see if its related to my heart. I hope Im ok, i dont think its anything serious.
They checked my blood pressure, insuline and glucose levels,  Ive had xrays and hell knows what else and every test sais im fine
Maybe im just crazy and imagining it xD

-Darling.
In other news.. Darling is coming back ^^, I cant wait. He will be here in just 2 more weeks
I miss him so much
^^
Hes not staying for long, just 5 days, and then i have to wait till May to see him again...
And then its my turn to go and see him in the summer
Because I WILL make it
I WILL go

Long distance relationships are hard. But not impossible. It kills to say goodbye every time you have to leave ... and the jelousy... I get stupidly jelous of girls who see him smile, or see him walking in the street, I wish so badly that is was me seeing that smile...
And theres this girl
A girl he is so close with
who as been there for him when he has been feeling bad and thinking of death, form before he even met me
Shes been there all along
He loved her once
She is one of his best friends
And I hate her
I dont even know her and it is so unfair but the thought of her eats me up inside
not that id ever tell him that....
Everyime i see her name mentiond i feel sick to my stomach , like something is stabbing me.
Sometimes it is so hard for me to remember that its me he loves
not her
not anymore...
But its so hard
cos why would he choose me
She is so beautiful
Always happy
Always there.

Story...

I just read through the story I started to write about three years ago, baad writing, but the plot is good, so I have decided to try again. I am developing new characters and a new story around it and I think its going really well, though maybie I just think that because I`m getting caught up with it. It often happenes that I really get in to a project it seems brilliant but if i relax from it and leave it for a couple of days and go back to it i see its so bad xD I hope this is not the case.

Anyways.

So the reason for why this has come up is because i have been ill for the last three days and have had nothing to do exept throw up, so ive been looking through my laptop files and I found it  xD and i'm glad I did, I havn't been writing for ages, and i enjoy it alot, so I hope this goes well...

Back to writing ^^

Skype!

I love Skype
Voice chats with my Darling just makes my day ^^
It's almost like he's still here...
I can see him and i can hear him, and we can talk for hours because it's free
Just like when he really is here
Almost..
I just wish he really was here
It's not the same without being able to touch his face
without him cutting my sentences off with a kiss... 
Sigh 


Still I'm gonna be with him soon... Just four more weeks to go 
<3

Studies~

Exams are coming up. In a few months I have my entrance exam to University. It's five months away still but it feels like no time at all. I'm doing pretty well at high school, I mean I'm passing.. nothing outstanding though.
I'm worried... What if I can't do it? What if I'm not good enough ...
I don't know how the educational system works in other countries but here we take an exam on all the important subjects and then another exam with the branch subjects, adding the results of those exams and the overall result of the last two years of High school and then dividing it by 4 (for the 2 school years and 2 exams) and then that gives you you'r Selectividad result. And then you look at the diferent Unis to see wich one offers the course you want to take with the result you have gained.. The University I want to go to askes for a 7,75 for the teachers course for the age group 0-6 that i want to take wich is pretty high for spanish standards >_< And the exams are really dificult this year.. and aparently their giving up samples of the easy exams they have done for Selectividad... and if i can't get my grade up I'm not gonna make it...
But anyways... there are other University's.. maybie not as good as the one i want to get in to in this area but whatever, the important thing is that i get to study what i want, i refuse to be one of those people i see so often who take classes in courses they don't really want to do for lack of better result and then are stuck with a job they hate.. I've known forever that I want to be a teacher , Ive been looking after little kids for 6 years, going for voluntary work in the infants school and tutoring kids who either have problems with their english or whose parents know nothing of english so they need help.. That is what i want to work as.
So these are my options

Selectividad 
-Pass w/ enough grade
~ Universidad de Alicante.
                
-Pass w/ not enough grade 
~ Module (not tempting.. adds another 2 years to my Uni course) 
~ Look at other Unis in Spain 
~ Start my first year in a private uni and then pass into the U.A if my  grades are good enough 
~ Start my first year in a different course that asks for less grade but wich has the same root subjects and pass in to the one i want next year.
~ Go to another country (quite temping) 


So yea, writing all these options i have has made me feel a bit more positive about making it.
Mabie I really can do it.. I sure hope so.

Mind. . .

. . . sometimes i feel like I'm losing you.

Gone . . .

These are the books I am reading at the moment

I really recomend them, they are great. Also I have found an awesome website (click here) that gives you previews of the books and things like that. I am currently half way through "Lies" Seriously you should read them.

GONE

  

HUNGER

Lies

Plague

Plague has not been published yet but I am really looking forward to beeing able to read it ~^^~

Nightmare 4#

Yet another nightmare...
Is this normal?
It would be nice if i could just sleep for once...
My eyes ache from bad sleep
Why am I so full of pain?



I'm sitting, crouched on the floor in a corner and It is so dark i can't see anything
I feel so cold...
I feel pain, there is a deep ache inside me, eaitng me up from the inside.
I am filled with hatred and anger and envy, so much of it it burns
But I also feel helpless
I'm curled up on the freezing floor crying

There is someone, in my dream, who i hate with all my soul
someone who has taken away from me somthing so precious
I want to hurt that preson so badly i can hardly breathe
I want to kill whoever it is...
But I can't
Bcause someone who is very important to me loves this person
So I am left feeling helpless and so full of pain and hatred...
I want it to stop.
The pain, that began near my stomach grows and grows
consuming me from the inside untill im screaming it hurts so much

I rest my hand on the floor next to me and feel something there
its paper, i look down and look at the letters and i realise i can see them even sorounded by darkness
The writing is a bit messy and child-like they all begin
"Dear...." but the name that follows is blurry
Like its just out of focus
I remember trying hard to see the name but not being able to
I know the name was short, but i cant remember anything else
All the letters were full of love
Beautifull words speaking of wanting to be with this person forever
Of loving them more than anything
And the sight of these beautifull love filled words made the burning inside me stronger
I held the letters and broke them in hate and envy
the pieces disapeared
I noticed than my hands were bleeding from holding fists so tightly
and that in my right hand was a knife

I knew i had nothing left
everything had been taken from me by whoever those letters were for
I let the pain wash over me
and I placed the tip of the knife between my ribs,
and pushed hard.