Back

Ive been back for 6 days now

Leaving Norway felt like it was the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life....

It was like i was tearing myself appart...

Im glad I posted about Norway before... I couldnt face talking about it now...

Why does it have to hurt so badlly......

unfair

Does anyone even really care anymore?

Whatever

Nothing goes right today. Im sick and tired of messing everything up...

Nightmare....

I had that nightmare again last night . . . The first one I wrote in my blog. Except it was a bit different
This time I could see the face of the girl,
and of course it was H . . .
This time the door wouldnt open and I was forced to wach them. . .
This time H saw me.
She came up to me
and started saying stuff
" Hes mine. He always has been"
no... hes my Darling....
" Don't call him that. Thats what Ive called him since I met him, and i know him years more than you do"
" Are you blind? Didnt you see what just happened? He wants me. Not you"
Shut up...
"He dosnt want you"
" Im better than you"
" Its so funny that youd ever hope hed choose you over me"
"I mean look at you"

She said so many things. . .

Then she opened the door. And pushed me out.
And all the time he just stared at us
Not saying or doing anything

I felt my blood freeze and when I woke up I was crying so hard. . .

. . .

I miss you ...

Does it ever get easier?...

Every time...

Every time he leaves
It feels
like as if part of my soul is ripped out and killed
My heart is torn and shredded
Im falling to peices inside.

I die a little more
every time he walks away from me

Theres screaming in my head
My eyes are aching
pressure on my chest
as if someone is trying to force life out of me
Its not fair.
This is not how it should be
I cant breathe....

I would kill to be in your arms right now
Only you can stop the pain

My darling
It tore me apart to see the tears staining your face
My poor darling
My amazing beautifull loving darling
crying because it hurt so much to leave me...

I love you so much, its unbearable how much i miss you
You are Everyhting.

I wish so badly you were still holding me.
I need my Darling...

Today I feel like this.

So lonely. . .

Gone . . .

These are the books I am reading at the moment

I really recomend them, they are great. Also I have found an awesome website (click here) that gives you previews of the books and things like that. I am currently half way through "Lies" Seriously you should read them.

GONE

  

HUNGER

Lies

Plague

Plague has not been published yet but I am really looking forward to beeing able to read it ~^^~

Nightmare 4#

Yet another nightmare...
Is this normal?
It would be nice if i could just sleep for once...
My eyes ache from bad sleep
Why am I so full of pain?



I'm sitting, crouched on the floor in a corner and It is so dark i can't see anything
I feel so cold...
I feel pain, there is a deep ache inside me, eaitng me up from the inside.
I am filled with hatred and anger and envy, so much of it it burns
But I also feel helpless
I'm curled up on the freezing floor crying

There is someone, in my dream, who i hate with all my soul
someone who has taken away from me somthing so precious
I want to hurt that preson so badly i can hardly breathe
I want to kill whoever it is...
But I can't
Bcause someone who is very important to me loves this person
So I am left feeling helpless and so full of pain and hatred...
I want it to stop.
The pain, that began near my stomach grows and grows
consuming me from the inside untill im screaming it hurts so much

I rest my hand on the floor next to me and feel something there
its paper, i look down and look at the letters and i realise i can see them even sorounded by darkness
The writing is a bit messy and child-like they all begin
"Dear...." but the name that follows is blurry
Like its just out of focus
I remember trying hard to see the name but not being able to
I know the name was short, but i cant remember anything else
All the letters were full of love
Beautifull words speaking of wanting to be with this person forever
Of loving them more than anything
And the sight of these beautifull love filled words made the burning inside me stronger
I held the letters and broke them in hate and envy
the pieces disapeared
I noticed than my hands were bleeding from holding fists so tightly
and that in my right hand was a knife

I knew i had nothing left
everything had been taken from me by whoever those letters were for
I let the pain wash over me
and I placed the tip of the knife between my ribs,
and pushed hard.

Nightmare 3#

I had a dream,
A strange one. 

I was sitting
My legs crossed , my eyes shut, sitting on the red tiles of my front porch,
My cats Sunny and Jack, and those strays that we have somehow aquired who we call Wendy and Moo,  roamed around me, rubbing their body against my legs and back, purring softly.
It was nice.

The Sun warmed me and relaxed me
And I love the heat.


I felt Jacks warm furr against my hand and the vibrations that course through his body and to my fingertips as he purrs.
Suddenly I feel him stiffen and the purring stops. I remember thinking  
Hes probably just seen a bird or somthing.

But then i notice he's started to feel cold, and the texture is changing. He is no longer silky soft.
It feels more like...
I open my eyes, paniked. I look down.
Where my beautifull cat was standing, now stands a statue
A statue of a cat
like Jack
Identical
It is Jack.

I  look around as I notice theres silence
And the statues of four cats suround me.


I stare, not understanding
I twist around as I hear laughter, a strange hissing, stort of laughter
But definetly laughter.

I uncross my legs and spin around, Im standing and my house is no longer there
Im in a field, vast, baren, it goes on forever
and before me stands a lady whos eyes are the most beautifull things I have seen.

Unlike the rest of her

Her face, gray, almors green, the skin so coarse it seems like scales
With thin lips, almost non-existent, curled up in a animal like snarl, bearing teeth like those of a wolf
And her hair
Dark and green 
It lay lank like unwashed
But then
the ends twiched
the strands began to seperate slowly
And then I realised
Snakes
This was Medussa.

I tried to move but I was unable to
Her eyes kept me fixed I could hardly breathe
I could feel the ice cold stone forming
crushing my insides
excruciating
painfull

The pain crept up from my feet 
From the tips of my fingers
Spreading its way through my body
The pain was so much
but i couldnt scream
I was paralized

She got closer
I was trapped in her gaze
And as I felt myself blacking out from the screaming in my body as the stone invaded me and my insides turned to ice cold rock
I heard her hissing laughter in my ears

And I thought Medussa killed me 

This as a very strange dream to me. I woke up with my heart hammering in my chest as if I had just recieved a shot of adrenaline. When I managed to cach my breath I proceeded to write it all down on a scrap of paper i had by my bed.
I still can still smell the foul smell of her breath and hear that hissing laugh . . .

Breathe.

I am back 

but he has gone 

Now I am waiting for his plane to land, the plane that will deliver him safely to his country

He has gone 

I can hardly believe it 

I feel empty 

Theres nothing left after the tears run dry

Back home again. . . 

Leaving me pining for his precence

There is emptiness in the space by my side

where my darling should be . . .

Where he has been for the last nineteen days 

That felt like forever

and no time at all.

He held me tight and kissed my tears 

Im going to go now, he whisperes softly 

I nod , I know he has to go, but I hold him tighter 

why does it have to be like this 

Even those perfect nineteen days had to end

as he walked away into the crowd with tears streaking his face

I feel what its like to have the person you love the most taken away from you 

I start shaking

my wounds raw and screaming

I want him to turn back 

I want to call out to him 

I want to feel him in my arms one last time 

Kiss him one last time 

I want it so badly I can hardly breathe

But I don't 

Because I can't 

I want to die 

Because my reason to live is leaving me

And there are so many ways that I could die

And I think about them.

But thats all I do 

Because In the midst of the pain and the loss

the heartbreak of his tear-stained beautifull face

I know I have to stay alive 

Because he is coming back to me.

He keeps me breathing.

Nightmare 2#

Last night I tossed and turned unable to relax

 and sufered a night of restless sleep riddled with nightmares... 

As I wreseled with the night to alow me to get some rest I managed to drift off in to a fitfull state of half conciousness

I was sitting in a train, not knowing where I was heading or how I got there

I looked around, the train was full of people

I remember an old woman looking out of the window, a mother holding her child , a student reading his book...

we enterd a tunel

 the lights started flickering on and off,

I found it comical how typicaly movie like that was and it made me want to laugh 

but that laughter died in me when i looked around....

Every time the light flikered on, the people all around me changed

they were no longer people, but a person . . .

every time the lights swiched on I saw a diferent face all around me, 

First it was my mother

everyone was her, in diferent times of her life

I saw her as a baby held by herself as an adult, I saw her looking out of the window as an old woman , as a student reading a book...

The light flickered again 

and my father surounded me, he ran past me, ten years old, I heard him shout 

"Danny get back here" 

He coughed, an old man, smoking, 

He cried as a baby

The lights went out 

Sara

my sister

she looked so old

and so young

just as I remember her from years ago

she was everywhere

The lights went out once more

and this time when they came back on 

there was my Darling 

sitting in front of me 

looking like he always does 

but then i lookied around 

and a hundred versions of his life looked back at me 

my Darling looking so young and sweet, 

My Darling , old, and dying ...

The train started to shudder , something was wrong....
It happened so fast.. one minite we were bursting out of the tunel into the night the next the train was crashing, roling, braking down, falling down and further down
And then it stopped
the train was wrecked
Metal and blood everywhere
I stood up with not a scrach on me while the train lay in pieces all around me
And then as I looked around I felt the scream build up inside me
but as it often happens in dreams not a sound escaped my lips
All I was left with was the ripping feeling deep in my chest
the white hot tearing feeling that fills you up when you know you've lost everything
because as I looked around
All I could see for miles were the bloody broken bodies of my mother, my father, my sister
my Darling....
 multiplied by hundreds
filling the mountain with their thousand faces
All the versions I had seen in the train of the people I love now lying scatterd and broken
And I was the only one left
The darkness started to thicken, finaly obscuring the devastation from view
or most of it
It all disapeard in the darkness exept for the form of my Darling
looking beautifull and just like the last time i had seen him
no wounds or anything
but he stared at me, and the emptines in his eyes.. I knew he was dead
And all I wanted was to die with him
I had nothing left. . .


I woke up gasping
, restles almost at the edge of my bed about to fall,

This dream lasted no longer than two hours and that is the most I slept all night
The rest of the night i lay frightened of sleeping
dozing of for minutes at a time untill it was time to wake
...

Sleepy

I'm so tired . . . but i'm scared of sleeping 

I miss you

I havn't seen my darling for so long . . . 

I cant help counting down the days . . . 3 weeks still to go 

I havn't seen him since october . . . 

The distance kills me.

I'm remembering. 

We started to speak more than a year ago, various circumstances leading us to speak for the first time. The first time i spoke to my Darling it was on msn. We got to know eachother as much as anyone can on the internet 

and I saw that you were like me and I like you

I remember thinking that he was so diferent from anyone else I knew 

So different from the rest of the idiots in this world.

He sees the world in a different way and has changed me forever. 

Then you worked up the courage to buy a ticket. 

on the 7th of May I saw you in person for the very first time

and I remember thinking you were so beautifull. 

You were so shy, and so far away from home. The only person here that you knew was me and we had only ever talked online. 

We drove you to the hotel where you were going to stay to leave you bags and then we walked. 

And finaly, finaly after talking so much 

My darling kissed me for the first time and I was falling in love with him.

Five days later he was flying back home.

Soon he had the next visit booked

but this time my mam alowed him to stay at my house

this time he stayed for longer

19 days 

The best month of my life, spent every moment of it with my darling. 

It was so special 

The day you left I cried so much... 

I slept in the bed were you lay, where the pillow still smelt of you 

and I missed you so much...

He booked another flight

He would be spending Christmas with me in my home.

He would stay another 19 days with me 

But as time went on we found that christmas was so far away ... 

So another flight was booked for october 

A long weekend of 5 days my dalring stayed with me

and i was happy again

while it lasted. 

And now im waiting for Christmas to be with my Darling again 

to feel his arms wrap around me and make me feel safe and happy once more. 

I miss you so much. 

And next summer, at last i will be alowed to fly to visit you 

spend the whole summer with my darling 

I cant wait to go to visit you 

at last

All the way to Norway.

Nightmare . . .

Everything is so dark and cold . . .

I'm lying in my bed, shivering, knowing I have to get up for somthing

theres somthing I have to see....

I feel exhausted, my eyes ache so much

I have to get up

I dont know why but its so important

I manage to sit up and I gather my sheet around me trying to keep the cold from getting to me

but the room is so cold, I can hardly walk

like the room is full of ice

The cold reaches my bones and makes my whole body ache

All I want is to curl back in to bed and search for a little bit of warmth

But i know i have to get up

Shaking, barefoot I make my way across my room

The room is so dark... but i know this room so well

I get to the door but the door is all wrong

This is not my door

Its metal

Where am I ?

The handle is so cold it makes my fingers freeze but I manage to turn it and push the door open

I hope its wamer out here..

Behind the door, a long hallway

Just as cold but at least theres light

But so long . . .

I want to go back in to the dark room but I know I have to go somewhere

Still wraped in my blanket I make my way across the hall

But at every step I take the hall gets narower and narower. . .

untill the walls are brushing against my arms

I turn to go back

but right in front of me is a big solid wall

as if there was no hall behind me

and the only way I can go on is forward . . .

I carry on

Untill its so narow I cant breathe walking sideways

but everytime I turn back the wall is right behind me

and I know I have to go on

But Im so scared because the light is dimming and its so cold...

and the walls of the hall is squeezing the life out of me but there is still so much to walk

I know im going to die

because its so cold its killing me

I can hardly walk

I can hardly breathe

I feel my heartbeat srtuggle in my chest

and still the walls are crushing me . . .

Then I see the door

and I know this is the reason I had to get up

the door is warm under my fingers and I cant wait to get inside

I push the door and warmth comes out to meet me

Im saved I think

and I feel happy

And then I hear his voice...

my heart lifts and I think that nearly dying was worth it just to hear him laugh

but why is he laughing?

I look around

and at last I see him

so beautiful . . .

so perfect

I see his shirt on the floor by his feet

I see him lean over

and then I see her . . .

her top by his on the floor

and shes holding him

holding my darling

and they are so close.. their faces are so close . .

I know whats about to happen

and my soul rips open it hurts so much

I drop my sheet

slowly i walk back

and just as they kiss

I close the door

the cold hits me once more

it cripples me

but it hurts so much less than being in the warmth

And then I die.

I wake up gasping, and it takes me a while to remember that its only a dream... Its not true... It never happened...But I cant keep my heart from hammering in my chest so hard, and my breath caching in my throat...

And I feel so cold.

Darling . . .

Lying in a bed that still smells of you... 

Eating my Darling chocolate and trying so hard not to die of the pain im my chest

Ripping

bursting 

screaming 

pain 

.

I cant breathe 

I cant think 

I just hurt 

There are so many tears I cant even wipe them away 

wish you were here to wipe them away for me

To hold me in your arms 

Make the pain go away with your beautifull smile 

 . . .

                                              but you can't . . . 

                                    because you'r not here . . . 

                                                   you'r so far away  . . .

My Darling

I keep trying to think 

Two months

Just two months 

and then I can kiss you again 

then you can hold me 

but two months just feels like forever . . .

. . . 

I live for you my darling 

                                                            I miss you so much . . . .

come back to me

Heartache. . .

Heartache. . .

My eyes look up, behold the sight

The shining flowers of the night,

The shuddered beat of broken heart,

Is all I hear in midnight dark

Shining flowers fade behind,

Tears of mine are yet uncried,

As starry heavens bring to me,

Painful shattered memories,

Behind the tears I see the ghost,

Those eyes in wich myself I lost,

So many times before this night,

My heart instead of dark had light. . .

. . .

Lost . . .

Lost

Memories take form behind

My eyes, closed, clouding up my mind

Whispers shout, from far away

The haunting past has come to play

Images caught in my mind

Memories from which I hide




Darkness presses on my soul

The pain- it overwhelms it all

Fears, haunting, like a vice

Holds my heart, a fist of ice

I scream for it to stop, it hurts,

Tearing, frozen, bites, it burns



Make it go away, so numb

Lost inside from everyone.