Sunday, November 28, 2010

I miss you

I havn't seen my darling for so long . . . 
I cant help counting down the days . . . 3 weeks still to go 
I havn't seen him since october . . . 
The distance kills me.

I'm remembering. 
We started to speak more than a year ago, various circumstances leading us to speak for the first time. The first time i spoke to my Darling it was on msn. We got to know eachother as much as anyone can on the internet 
and I saw that you were like me and I like you
I remember thinking that he was so diferent from anyone else I knew 
So different from the rest of the idiots in this world.
He sees the world in a different way and has changed me forever. 

Then you worked up the courage to buy a ticket. 
on the 7th of May I saw you in person for the very first time
and I remember thinking you were so beautifull. 
You were so shy, and so far away from home. The only person here that you knew was me and we had only ever talked online. 

We drove you to the hotel where you were going to stay to leave you bags and then we walked. 
And finaly, finaly after talking so much 
My darling kissed me for the first time and I was falling in love with him.
Five days later he was flying back home.

Soon he had the next visit booked
but this time my mam alowed him to stay at my house
this time he stayed for longer
19 days 
The best month of my life, spent every moment of it with my darling. 
It was so special 
The day you left I cried so much... 
I slept in the bed were you lay, where the pillow still smelt of you 
and I missed you so much...

He booked another flight
He would be spending Christmas with me in my home.
He would stay another 19 days with me 
But as time went on we found that christmas was so far away ... 
So another flight was booked for october 
A long weekend of 5 days my dalring stayed with me
and i was happy again
while it lasted. 

And now im waiting for Christmas to be with my Darling again 
to feel his arms wrap around me and make me feel safe and happy once more. 
I miss you so much. 

And next summer, at last i will be alowed to fly to visit you 
spend the whole summer with my darling 
I cant wait to go to visit you 
at last
All the way to Norway.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Nightmare . . .

Everything is so dark and cold . . .
I'm lying in my bed, shivering, knowing I have to get up for somthing
theres somthing I have to see....
I feel exhausted, my eyes ache so much
I have to get up
I dont know why but its so important

I manage to sit up and I gather my sheet around me trying to keep the cold from getting to me
but the room is so cold, I can hardly walk
like the room is full of ice
The cold reaches my bones and makes my whole body ache
All I want is to curl back in to bed and search for a little bit of warmth
But i know i have to get up

Shaking, barefoot I make my way across my room
The room is so dark... but i know this room so well
I get to the door but the door is all wrong
This is not my door
Its metal
Where am I ?
The handle is so cold it makes my fingers freeze but I manage to turn it and push the door open
I hope its wamer out here..

Behind the door, a long hallway
Just as cold but at least theres light
But so long . . .
I want to go back in to the dark room but I know I have to go somewhere
Still wraped in my blanket I make my way across the hall
But at every step I take the hall gets narower and narower. . .
untill the walls are brushing against my arms
I turn to go back
but right in front of me is a big solid wall
as if there was no hall behind me
and the only way I can go on is forward . . .
I carry on
Untill its so narow I cant breathe walking sideways
but everytime I turn back the wall is right behind me
and I know I have to go on
But Im so scared because the light is dimming and its so cold...
and the walls of the hall is squeezing the life out of me but there is still so much to walk
I know im going to die
because its so cold its killing me
I can hardly walk
I can hardly breathe
I feel my heartbeat srtuggle in my chest
and still the walls are crushing me . . .

Then I see the door
and I know this is the reason I had to get up
the door is warm under my fingers and I cant wait to get inside
I push the door and warmth comes out to meet me
Im saved I think
and I feel happy

And then I hear his voice...
my heart lifts and I think that nearly dying was worth it just to hear him laugh
but why is he laughing?
I look around
and at last I see him
so beautiful . . .
so perfect
I see his shirt on the floor by his feet
I see him lean over
and then I see her . . .
her top by his on the floor
and shes holding him
holding my darling
and they are so close.. their faces are so close . .
I know whats about to happen

and my soul rips open it hurts so much

I drop my sheet
slowly i walk back
and just as they kiss
I close the door

the cold hits me once more
it cripples me
but it hurts so much less than being in the warmth

And then I die.


I wake up gasping, and it takes me a while to remember that its only a dream... Its not true... It never happened...But I cant keep my heart from hammering in my chest so hard, and my breath caching in my throat...
And I feel so cold.