Just in case...

Not that i think that anyone reads my blog anymore,
but anyways,
just in case theres someone out there who reads the things my mind comes up with
I wont be blogging for a while
I mainly use my laptop to keep in touch with my Darling and while i'm here online i vent my feelings here, as i have no other way of letting them out...
So seeing as my Darling is coming to see me tomorow ^_^ I will probably not use my computer that much untill he leaves.
Just in case there's still someone out there.

~

So yea, Happy Christmas to all my followers
I hope you all have a great Christmas and New Year
<3

Excited

See you tomorow My Darling.- 

I can't wait to be with you once more 

<3

This is one of my favourite songs and it makes me think of him every time i hear it... 

"Far Away"(chorus)

I love you
I loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
-
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up

-Nickelback "Far away"

It's perfect. 

Dance. . .

Dance, on the rooftops in the rain
when the streets are dark, your safe from prying eyes
when your away from a thousand stares that search for cracks in your mask,
Dance in the dark

Dance. . .
when the shadows embrace you heart and hide you from the world,
when there's so much pain you cant find your soul
when the only comfort you can find is hiding away in the dark
Dance when you hurt so much from being always alone

When you feel like dying with every move
When you feel your heart break down in pain
Dance on the rooftops in the rain . . .

Tuesday and other exciting thoughts. . .

I caan't waaait.
I'm gonna see my Darling on Tuesday ... at last. I can't wait to feel his soft lips against mine again, to lose myself in his beautiful eyes. . . The moment I see him at the airport i'm gonna go up to him and hold him and feel him close to me at last. I miss him so much.

And Sis!!! Oh my gosh,  I realy hope you get in to the singing at the olympics choir thing, It would be so amaizing for you!! I am so happy for my Sis you have to tell me all about it as soon as you know if you got in. Text me if i'm not online! haha

Also shools out so soon just 3 more school days and im done! and I can spend a long winter break with my Darling not even thinking about school ^^ oh yea . .  except for the mound of homework they are sending me. . . whatever, I dont want to feel bad today. I am having one of my rare Positive Days, one of those days where you wake up from sleeping so well, and feel happy and everything seems right.
Unfortunately i cant remember the last time i had one of these days
But im gratefull while it lasts.

So, I think thats about it i dont have anything else remotely interesting to post about. . .

 Ephemera<3

I don't know what to call this post . . .

Ive been talking to my Darling, he made me feel so much better after the bad day ive been having >_< he always knows whats the right thing to say ^^ He was telling me all about the last song he recorded called "Kronisk Feber" wich he has uploaded to YouTube. Ive never really liked rap before but i like his voice so much, even though I don't know what hes rapping about because its in Norweigan. . . Lol He translated the song for me though and its really deep, he uses beautifull words that fit so perfectly, I love the way it sounds in his language. I think he sounds so good but maybie thats because I love him so much, who knows. My favourite part in the song is the first half, it flows ver nicely whereas the second half sounds kinda like hes repeating the same thing although maybie it sounds really good if you know Norweigan I dont know haha. 
My poor Darling is ill though, he has the flu . . . and hes so far away i cant look after him >_< I wish so badly i could take care of him. . . I feel helpless. 
Hopefully he'll get better soon though, these things dont tend to last long. . .  I know its silly but even though its the flu I still get so worried about him >_<  He means so much to me I hate to see him feel bad . . .
He will be with me soon though and he sais that that thought makes him feel kinda better and hes doing all the right things to get well soon . . . I can't wait to see him again , I miss him so much .
The day he arrives I start the winter holidays so there wont be a single day in wich im not with him ^^
I can't wait for the holidays to start, i am so sick of school and exams i have at least 2 or 3 exams per day these last few weeks and its driving me crazy , I hate the spanish education system >_>, Its so stressing...
I cant wait for it all to end!!
Anyways this is the end of my ranting . . . I must go to study for a Valencian exam I have tomorow (for those who don't know and are remotely interested , Valencian is the local dialect spoken here in Alicante as well as Castellano) I get distracted so easyily >_> 


<3Ephemera ~

Nightmare 2#

Last night I tossed and turned unable to relax

 and sufered a night of restless sleep riddled with nightmares... 

As I wreseled with the night to alow me to get some rest I managed to drift off in to a fitfull state of half conciousness

I was sitting in a train, not knowing where I was heading or how I got there

I looked around, the train was full of people

I remember an old woman looking out of the window, a mother holding her child , a student reading his book...

we enterd a tunel

 the lights started flickering on and off,

I found it comical how typicaly movie like that was and it made me want to laugh 

but that laughter died in me when i looked around....

Every time the light flikered on, the people all around me changed

they were no longer people, but a person . . .

every time the lights swiched on I saw a diferent face all around me, 

First it was my mother

everyone was her, in diferent times of her life

I saw her as a baby held by herself as an adult, I saw her looking out of the window as an old woman , as a student reading a book...

The light flickered again 

and my father surounded me, he ran past me, ten years old, I heard him shout 

"Danny get back here" 

He coughed, an old man, smoking, 

He cried as a baby

The lights went out 

Sara

my sister

she looked so old

and so young

just as I remember her from years ago

she was everywhere

The lights went out once more

and this time when they came back on 

there was my Darling 

sitting in front of me 

looking like he always does 

but then i lookied around 

and a hundred versions of his life looked back at me 

my Darling looking so young and sweet, 

My Darling , old, and dying ...

The train started to shudder , something was wrong....
It happened so fast.. one minite we were bursting out of the tunel into the night the next the train was crashing, roling, braking down, falling down and further down
And then it stopped
the train was wrecked
Metal and blood everywhere
I stood up with not a scrach on me while the train lay in pieces all around me
And then as I looked around I felt the scream build up inside me
but as it often happens in dreams not a sound escaped my lips
All I was left with was the ripping feeling deep in my chest
the white hot tearing feeling that fills you up when you know you've lost everything
because as I looked around
All I could see for miles were the bloody broken bodies of my mother, my father, my sister
my Darling....
 multiplied by hundreds
filling the mountain with their thousand faces
All the versions I had seen in the train of the people I love now lying scatterd and broken
And I was the only one left
The darkness started to thicken, finaly obscuring the devastation from view
or most of it
It all disapeard in the darkness exept for the form of my Darling
looking beautifull and just like the last time i had seen him
no wounds or anything
but he stared at me, and the emptines in his eyes.. I knew he was dead
And all I wanted was to die with him
I had nothing left. . .


I woke up gasping
, restles almost at the edge of my bed about to fall,

This dream lasted no longer than two hours and that is the most I slept all night
The rest of the night i lay frightened of sleeping
dozing of for minutes at a time untill it was time to wake
...

Sleepy

I'm so tired . . . but i'm scared of sleeping 

Countdown !

[=  I can't wait!

My darling is coming back to me in 10 days

Mouahahaha!

I'm gonna be able to hold you soon =]

My daaarling

Hell is empty . . .

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

William Shakespeare ~

Ricin . . .

~Castor Plant ~

I have recently found a Castor Plant near where I live and have (carefully) taken some samples of the seeds.This is what I know about the plant I have found, from books and the internet ~


Ricin is a stable toxin easily made from the mash that remains after processing Castor beans (Ricinus communis) for oil. The beans are not normally used as food. 
Poisoning can occur following inhalation, ingestion, or injection of ricin toxin from Castor beans.

~

Eating Castor beans or ricin-contaminated material causes diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, internal bleeding, liver and kidney failure, and circulatory failure. Rapid heartbeat can also occur. 
If the castor beans are swallowed whole, the poisoning will be less severe than if the beans are chewed. Breathing dust that contains ricin causes cough, weakness, fever, nausea, muscle aches, difficult breathing, chest pain, respiratory and circulatory failure, and cyanosis (blue skin). ( I must be careful with this)
Injection of ricin toxin would likely result in tissue (muscle) necrosis near the injection site, probable multiple organ failure, and death.
All routes of exposure are very dangerous and can result in death
The time from exposure to ricin toxin to onset of symptoms can range from less than 1 hour to 12 hours or greater. Symptoms of poisoning from eating ricin-contaminated food or Castor beans can occur within 2-3 hours. Inhalation of ricin-contaminated particles can cause symptoms within 3 hours. Sometimes the symptoms can be delayed many hours.

~

~Ricin Seeds~

Antitoxins are not available for treatment of ricin poisoning. Hospital care is necessary to support the victim and treat the effects of ricin toxin.
In cases of severe ricin poisoning death can be caused by kidney failure, respiratory failure, circulatory collapse, or fluid loss.

Doubt. . .

“Doubt that the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.”


William Shakespeare~

The Myth of Medusa -

Medusa, along with her sisters, Stheno and Euryale, were the Gorgon daughters of the sea Titans Porcys and Ceto.Medusa wasn't always hideous. There is a particular myth in which Medusa was originally a beautiful maiden with long silky hair that she was very proud of.


Once said to have been extremely wise they all served as priestesses to the virgin goddess of wisdom, Athena. However, the Seagod Poseidon desperately desired Medusa. In a moment of raw passion he raped Medusa inside of Athena's temple of worship. In anger, the three sisters became petty and vindictive toward men.
Appalled either by the sisters' pettiness, or by the sacrilegious sexual act, Athena transformed Medusa and her sisters (all of whom were now wicked) into hideous beasts with scaly skin, dragon's wings and hair formed of dozens of coiling snakes. As a result, all who beheld the Gorgons were instantly turned to stone when their eyes met.
Medusa and her sisters became even more vicious and took great pleasure in torturing their victims until the day when Perseus, with the help of Athena and Hermes. Using the winged sandals and Hades' helmet of invisibility provided by Hermes, and Athena's silver shield, Perseus approached the sleeping Medusa.
Perseus killed the monster by looking at her reflection on his shield, which prevented him turning into stone. He cut off her head and presented it to Athena, who placed it in the center of her Aegis, the protective shield which she wore over her breastplate.
But first, Perseus had to outrace Medusa's enraged sisters, who flew after him, the snakes on their heads and waists hissing at his heels. Perseus managed to escape thanks to the winged sandals of Hermes, and by wearing Hades' helmet of invisibility.

Upon her death, the seeds of the union of Poseidon & Medusa germinated into the young colt named Pegasus and the giant (or another winged horse) named Chrysoar, who sprang forth when the blood of Medusa made contact with the seafoam. Perseus married the princess Andromeda and they had a daughter whom they called Gorgophone (named for the slain gorgon). Medusa was also identified with the Libyan Queen and serpent-goddess of wisdom of the Amazons. Her name is derived from the Sanskrit medha, Greek metis, and Egyptian met or maat all meaning "wisdom."

Dedicated to the girl in her cage...

Hi there, new follower,

 Im sorry I havn't welcomed you properly to my blog before haha

Welcome to my little corner of the world 

I hope you dont find it too depressing at times xD

Gah.

I hate dentists >_> I suspect they enjoy making me suffer.

I miss you

I havn't seen my darling for so long . . . 

I cant help counting down the days . . . 3 weeks still to go 

I havn't seen him since october . . . 

The distance kills me.

I'm remembering. 

We started to speak more than a year ago, various circumstances leading us to speak for the first time. The first time i spoke to my Darling it was on msn. We got to know eachother as much as anyone can on the internet 

and I saw that you were like me and I like you

I remember thinking that he was so diferent from anyone else I knew 

So different from the rest of the idiots in this world.

He sees the world in a different way and has changed me forever. 

Then you worked up the courage to buy a ticket. 

on the 7th of May I saw you in person for the very first time

and I remember thinking you were so beautifull. 

You were so shy, and so far away from home. The only person here that you knew was me and we had only ever talked online. 

We drove you to the hotel where you were going to stay to leave you bags and then we walked. 

And finaly, finaly after talking so much 

My darling kissed me for the first time and I was falling in love with him.

Five days later he was flying back home.

Soon he had the next visit booked

but this time my mam alowed him to stay at my house

this time he stayed for longer

19 days 

The best month of my life, spent every moment of it with my darling. 

It was so special 

The day you left I cried so much... 

I slept in the bed were you lay, where the pillow still smelt of you 

and I missed you so much...

He booked another flight

He would be spending Christmas with me in my home.

He would stay another 19 days with me 

But as time went on we found that christmas was so far away ... 

So another flight was booked for october 

A long weekend of 5 days my dalring stayed with me

and i was happy again

while it lasted. 

And now im waiting for Christmas to be with my Darling again 

to feel his arms wrap around me and make me feel safe and happy once more. 

I miss you so much. 

And next summer, at last i will be alowed to fly to visit you 

spend the whole summer with my darling 

I cant wait to go to visit you 

at last

All the way to Norway.

Nightmare . . .

Everything is so dark and cold . . .

I'm lying in my bed, shivering, knowing I have to get up for somthing

theres somthing I have to see....

I feel exhausted, my eyes ache so much

I have to get up

I dont know why but its so important

I manage to sit up and I gather my sheet around me trying to keep the cold from getting to me

but the room is so cold, I can hardly walk

like the room is full of ice

The cold reaches my bones and makes my whole body ache

All I want is to curl back in to bed and search for a little bit of warmth

But i know i have to get up

Shaking, barefoot I make my way across my room

The room is so dark... but i know this room so well

I get to the door but the door is all wrong

This is not my door

Its metal

Where am I ?

The handle is so cold it makes my fingers freeze but I manage to turn it and push the door open

I hope its wamer out here..

Behind the door, a long hallway

Just as cold but at least theres light

But so long . . .

I want to go back in to the dark room but I know I have to go somewhere

Still wraped in my blanket I make my way across the hall

But at every step I take the hall gets narower and narower. . .

untill the walls are brushing against my arms

I turn to go back

but right in front of me is a big solid wall

as if there was no hall behind me

and the only way I can go on is forward . . .

I carry on

Untill its so narow I cant breathe walking sideways

but everytime I turn back the wall is right behind me

and I know I have to go on

But Im so scared because the light is dimming and its so cold...

and the walls of the hall is squeezing the life out of me but there is still so much to walk

I know im going to die

because its so cold its killing me

I can hardly walk

I can hardly breathe

I feel my heartbeat srtuggle in my chest

and still the walls are crushing me . . .

Then I see the door

and I know this is the reason I had to get up

the door is warm under my fingers and I cant wait to get inside

I push the door and warmth comes out to meet me

Im saved I think

and I feel happy

And then I hear his voice...

my heart lifts and I think that nearly dying was worth it just to hear him laugh

but why is he laughing?

I look around

and at last I see him

so beautiful . . .

so perfect

I see his shirt on the floor by his feet

I see him lean over

and then I see her . . .

her top by his on the floor

and shes holding him

holding my darling

and they are so close.. their faces are so close . .

I know whats about to happen

and my soul rips open it hurts so much

I drop my sheet

slowly i walk back

and just as they kiss

I close the door

the cold hits me once more

it cripples me

but it hurts so much less than being in the warmth

And then I die.

I wake up gasping, and it takes me a while to remember that its only a dream... Its not true... It never happened...But I cant keep my heart from hammering in my chest so hard, and my breath caching in my throat...

And I feel so cold.

Darling . . .

Lying in a bed that still smells of you... 

Eating my Darling chocolate and trying so hard not to die of the pain im my chest

Ripping

bursting 

screaming 

pain 

.

I cant breathe 

I cant think 

I just hurt 

There are so many tears I cant even wipe them away 

wish you were here to wipe them away for me

To hold me in your arms 

Make the pain go away with your beautifull smile 

 . . .

                                              but you can't . . . 

                                    because you'r not here . . . 

                                                   you'r so far away  . . .

My Darling

I keep trying to think 

Two months

Just two months 

and then I can kiss you again 

then you can hold me 

but two months just feels like forever . . .

. . . 

I live for you my darling 

                                                            I miss you so much . . . .

come back to me

Chaos Walking

I have just finished reading the 

Chaos Walking Trilogy

It's absolutely amazing...

Serously 

these have to be

The Best Books I Have Ever Read

The knife of never letting go -   Patrick Ness imagines a small town in which women have been banished and only men remain, with Todd being the last boy, about to reach manhood. Due to a virus, everyone can hear each other’s thoughts: ‘Noise’. When Todd discovers a patch of silence he also discovers his first female, Viola, and despite initial mistrust, together they attempt to evade the men who are following Todd. As they flee he discovers much about himself, his family, about friendship and about prejudice

The ask and the Answer -  Fleeing before a relentless army, Todd has carried a desperately wounded Viola the last few feet into Haven...  And right into the hands of their worst enemy, Mayor Prentiss.In exchange for Viola's safety, Todd is forced to work with the Mayor in creating a new society for the settlers to come, one based on bringing an ominous-sounding order to the chaos of New Prentisstown.But what secrets are hiding just outside of town? And where is Viola? Is she even still alive? And who are the mysterious Answer?

"And then, one day, the bombs begin to explode...

Monsters of Men -  Three armies march on New Prentisstown, each one intent on destroying the others.

Todd and Viola are caught in the middle, with no chance of escape.As the battles commence, how can they hope to stop the fighting? How can there be peace when they’re so hopelessly outnumbered? And if war makes monsters of men, what terrible choices await? But then a third voice breaks into the battle, one bent on revenge…

Heartache. . .

Heartache. . .

My eyes look up, behold the sight

The shining flowers of the night,

The shuddered beat of broken heart,

Is all I hear in midnight dark

Shining flowers fade behind,

Tears of mine are yet uncried,

As starry heavens bring to me,

Painful shattered memories,

Behind the tears I see the ghost,

Those eyes in wich myself I lost,

So many times before this night,

My heart instead of dark had light. . .

. . .

I don't know how I can do without . . .

. . . I just need you now . . .

♥miss you . . .

Be yourself . . .

because those who mind

don't matter

and those who matter

don't mind

. . .

Lost . . .

Lost

Memories take form behind

My eyes, closed, clouding up my mind

Whispers shout, from far away

The haunting past has come to play

Images caught in my mind

Memories from which I hide




Darkness presses on my soul

The pain- it overwhelms it all

Fears, haunting, like a vice

Holds my heart, a fist of ice

I scream for it to stop, it hurts,

Tearing, frozen, bites, it burns



Make it go away, so numb

Lost inside from everyone.

R.T

 . . . 

Here are my 
RandomThoughts

"Remembering is only a new form of suffering."

-Charles Baudelaire .