Nightmare . . .

Everything is so dark and cold . . .

I'm lying in my bed, shivering, knowing I have to get up for somthing

theres somthing I have to see....

I feel exhausted, my eyes ache so much

I have to get up

I dont know why but its so important

I manage to sit up and I gather my sheet around me trying to keep the cold from getting to me

but the room is so cold, I can hardly walk

like the room is full of ice

The cold reaches my bones and makes my whole body ache

All I want is to curl back in to bed and search for a little bit of warmth

But i know i have to get up

Shaking, barefoot I make my way across my room

The room is so dark... but i know this room so well

I get to the door but the door is all wrong

This is not my door

Its metal

Where am I ?

The handle is so cold it makes my fingers freeze but I manage to turn it and push the door open

I hope its wamer out here..

Behind the door, a long hallway

Just as cold but at least theres light

But so long . . .

I want to go back in to the dark room but I know I have to go somewhere

Still wraped in my blanket I make my way across the hall

But at every step I take the hall gets narower and narower. . .

untill the walls are brushing against my arms

I turn to go back

but right in front of me is a big solid wall

as if there was no hall behind me

and the only way I can go on is forward . . .

I carry on

Untill its so narow I cant breathe walking sideways

but everytime I turn back the wall is right behind me

and I know I have to go on

But Im so scared because the light is dimming and its so cold...

and the walls of the hall is squeezing the life out of me but there is still so much to walk

I know im going to die

because its so cold its killing me

I can hardly walk

I can hardly breathe

I feel my heartbeat srtuggle in my chest

and still the walls are crushing me . . .

Then I see the door

and I know this is the reason I had to get up

the door is warm under my fingers and I cant wait to get inside

I push the door and warmth comes out to meet me

Im saved I think

and I feel happy

And then I hear his voice...

my heart lifts and I think that nearly dying was worth it just to hear him laugh

but why is he laughing?

I look around

and at last I see him

so beautiful . . .

so perfect

I see his shirt on the floor by his feet

I see him lean over

and then I see her . . .

her top by his on the floor

and shes holding him

holding my darling

and they are so close.. their faces are so close . .

I know whats about to happen

and my soul rips open it hurts so much

I drop my sheet

slowly i walk back

and just as they kiss

I close the door

the cold hits me once more

it cripples me

but it hurts so much less than being in the warmth

And then I die.

I wake up gasping, and it takes me a while to remember that its only a dream... Its not true... It never happened...But I cant keep my heart from hammering in my chest so hard, and my breath caching in my throat...

And I feel so cold.

Darling . . .

Lying in a bed that still smells of you... 

Eating my Darling chocolate and trying so hard not to die of the pain im my chest

Ripping

bursting 

screaming 

pain 

.

I cant breathe 

I cant think 

I just hurt 

There are so many tears I cant even wipe them away 

wish you were here to wipe them away for me

To hold me in your arms 

Make the pain go away with your beautifull smile 

 . . .

                                              but you can't . . . 

                                    because you'r not here . . . 

                                                   you'r so far away  . . .

My Darling

I keep trying to think 

Two months

Just two months 

and then I can kiss you again 

then you can hold me 

but two months just feels like forever . . .

. . . 

I live for you my darling 

                                                            I miss you so much . . . .

come back to me

Chaos Walking

I have just finished reading the 

Chaos Walking Trilogy

It's absolutely amazing...

Serously 

these have to be

The Best Books I Have Ever Read

The knife of never letting go -   Patrick Ness imagines a small town in which women have been banished and only men remain, with Todd being the last boy, about to reach manhood. Due to a virus, everyone can hear each other’s thoughts: ‘Noise’. When Todd discovers a patch of silence he also discovers his first female, Viola, and despite initial mistrust, together they attempt to evade the men who are following Todd. As they flee he discovers much about himself, his family, about friendship and about prejudice

The ask and the Answer -  Fleeing before a relentless army, Todd has carried a desperately wounded Viola the last few feet into Haven...  And right into the hands of their worst enemy, Mayor Prentiss.In exchange for Viola's safety, Todd is forced to work with the Mayor in creating a new society for the settlers to come, one based on bringing an ominous-sounding order to the chaos of New Prentisstown.But what secrets are hiding just outside of town? And where is Viola? Is she even still alive? And who are the mysterious Answer?

"And then, one day, the bombs begin to explode...

Monsters of Men -  Three armies march on New Prentisstown, each one intent on destroying the others.

Todd and Viola are caught in the middle, with no chance of escape.As the battles commence, how can they hope to stop the fighting? How can there be peace when they’re so hopelessly outnumbered? And if war makes monsters of men, what terrible choices await? But then a third voice breaks into the battle, one bent on revenge…

Heartache. . .

Heartache. . .

My eyes look up, behold the sight

The shining flowers of the night,

The shuddered beat of broken heart,

Is all I hear in midnight dark

Shining flowers fade behind,

Tears of mine are yet uncried,

As starry heavens bring to me,

Painful shattered memories,

Behind the tears I see the ghost,

Those eyes in wich myself I lost,

So many times before this night,

My heart instead of dark had light. . .

. . .

I don't know how I can do without . . .

. . . I just need you now . . .

♥miss you . . .

Be yourself . . .

because those who mind

don't matter

and those who matter

don't mind

. . .

Lost . . .

Lost

Memories take form behind

My eyes, closed, clouding up my mind

Whispers shout, from far away

The haunting past has come to play

Images caught in my mind

Memories from which I hide




Darkness presses on my soul

The pain- it overwhelms it all

Fears, haunting, like a vice

Holds my heart, a fist of ice

I scream for it to stop, it hurts,

Tearing, frozen, bites, it burns



Make it go away, so numb

Lost inside from everyone.