Skype!

I love Skype
Voice chats with my Darling just makes my day ^^
It's almost like he's still here...
I can see him and i can hear him, and we can talk for hours because it's free
Just like when he really is here
Almost..
I just wish he really was here
It's not the same without being able to touch his face
without him cutting my sentences off with a kiss... 
Sigh 


Still I'm gonna be with him soon... Just four more weeks to go 
<3

Studies~

Exams are coming up. In a few months I have my entrance exam to University. It's five months away still but it feels like no time at all. I'm doing pretty well at high school, I mean I'm passing.. nothing outstanding though.
I'm worried... What if I can't do it? What if I'm not good enough ...
I don't know how the educational system works in other countries but here we take an exam on all the important subjects and then another exam with the branch subjects, adding the results of those exams and the overall result of the last two years of High school and then dividing it by 4 (for the 2 school years and 2 exams) and then that gives you you'r Selectividad result. And then you look at the diferent Unis to see wich one offers the course you want to take with the result you have gained.. The University I want to go to askes for a 7,75 for the teachers course for the age group 0-6 that i want to take wich is pretty high for spanish standards >_< And the exams are really dificult this year.. and aparently their giving up samples of the easy exams they have done for Selectividad... and if i can't get my grade up I'm not gonna make it...
But anyways... there are other University's.. maybie not as good as the one i want to get in to in this area but whatever, the important thing is that i get to study what i want, i refuse to be one of those people i see so often who take classes in courses they don't really want to do for lack of better result and then are stuck with a job they hate.. I've known forever that I want to be a teacher , Ive been looking after little kids for 6 years, going for voluntary work in the infants school and tutoring kids who either have problems with their english or whose parents know nothing of english so they need help.. That is what i want to work as.
So these are my options

Selectividad 
-Pass w/ enough grade
~ Universidad de Alicante.
                
-Pass w/ not enough grade 
~ Module (not tempting.. adds another 2 years to my Uni course) 
~ Look at other Unis in Spain 
~ Start my first year in a private uni and then pass into the U.A if my  grades are good enough 
~ Start my first year in a different course that asks for less grade but wich has the same root subjects and pass in to the one i want next year.
~ Go to another country (quite temping) 


So yea, writing all these options i have has made me feel a bit more positive about making it.
Mabie I really can do it.. I sure hope so.

Mind. . .

. . . sometimes i feel like I'm losing you.

Gone . . .

These are the books I am reading at the moment

I really recomend them, they are great. Also I have found an awesome website (click here) that gives you previews of the books and things like that. I am currently half way through "Lies" Seriously you should read them.

GONE

  

HUNGER

Lies

Plague

Plague has not been published yet but I am really looking forward to beeing able to read it ~^^~

Nightmare 4#

Yet another nightmare...
Is this normal?
It would be nice if i could just sleep for once...
My eyes ache from bad sleep
Why am I so full of pain?



I'm sitting, crouched on the floor in a corner and It is so dark i can't see anything
I feel so cold...
I feel pain, there is a deep ache inside me, eaitng me up from the inside.
I am filled with hatred and anger and envy, so much of it it burns
But I also feel helpless
I'm curled up on the freezing floor crying

There is someone, in my dream, who i hate with all my soul
someone who has taken away from me somthing so precious
I want to hurt that preson so badly i can hardly breathe
I want to kill whoever it is...
But I can't
Bcause someone who is very important to me loves this person
So I am left feeling helpless and so full of pain and hatred...
I want it to stop.
The pain, that began near my stomach grows and grows
consuming me from the inside untill im screaming it hurts so much

I rest my hand on the floor next to me and feel something there
its paper, i look down and look at the letters and i realise i can see them even sorounded by darkness
The writing is a bit messy and child-like they all begin
"Dear...." but the name that follows is blurry
Like its just out of focus
I remember trying hard to see the name but not being able to
I know the name was short, but i cant remember anything else
All the letters were full of love
Beautifull words speaking of wanting to be with this person forever
Of loving them more than anything
And the sight of these beautifull love filled words made the burning inside me stronger
I held the letters and broke them in hate and envy
the pieces disapeared
I noticed than my hands were bleeding from holding fists so tightly
and that in my right hand was a knife

I knew i had nothing left
everything had been taken from me by whoever those letters were for
I let the pain wash over me
and I placed the tip of the knife between my ribs,
and pushed hard.

Resolutions~

I'm gonna copy my sis's idea and write my resolutions here too.
Maybie that way i will keep them this time. . .

1~ I will join a gym with L and go regulaly.
2~ I will choose the healthy options
3~ I will Stay Away from McDonalds
4~ I will try my hardest in my exams
5~ I will do all of my homework
6~ I will pass all of my subjects
7~ I will pass Selectividad.
8~ I will get enough grade in Select. to get in to the Uni I want
9~ I will save up enough money to go to Norway
10~ I WILL go to Norway.

Nightmare 3#

I had a dream,
A strange one. 

I was sitting
My legs crossed , my eyes shut, sitting on the red tiles of my front porch,
My cats Sunny and Jack, and those strays that we have somehow aquired who we call Wendy and Moo,  roamed around me, rubbing their body against my legs and back, purring softly.
It was nice.

The Sun warmed me and relaxed me
And I love the heat.


I felt Jacks warm furr against my hand and the vibrations that course through his body and to my fingertips as he purrs.
Suddenly I feel him stiffen and the purring stops. I remember thinking  
Hes probably just seen a bird or somthing.

But then i notice he's started to feel cold, and the texture is changing. He is no longer silky soft.
It feels more like...
I open my eyes, paniked. I look down.
Where my beautifull cat was standing, now stands a statue
A statue of a cat
like Jack
Identical
It is Jack.

I  look around as I notice theres silence
And the statues of four cats suround me.


I stare, not understanding
I twist around as I hear laughter, a strange hissing, stort of laughter
But definetly laughter.

I uncross my legs and spin around, Im standing and my house is no longer there
Im in a field, vast, baren, it goes on forever
and before me stands a lady whos eyes are the most beautifull things I have seen.

Unlike the rest of her

Her face, gray, almors green, the skin so coarse it seems like scales
With thin lips, almost non-existent, curled up in a animal like snarl, bearing teeth like those of a wolf
And her hair
Dark and green 
It lay lank like unwashed
But then
the ends twiched
the strands began to seperate slowly
And then I realised
Snakes
This was Medussa.

I tried to move but I was unable to
Her eyes kept me fixed I could hardly breathe
I could feel the ice cold stone forming
crushing my insides
excruciating
painfull

The pain crept up from my feet 
From the tips of my fingers
Spreading its way through my body
The pain was so much
but i couldnt scream
I was paralized

She got closer
I was trapped in her gaze
And as I felt myself blacking out from the screaming in my body as the stone invaded me and my insides turned to ice cold rock
I heard her hissing laughter in my ears

And I thought Medussa killed me 

This as a very strange dream to me. I woke up with my heart hammering in my chest as if I had just recieved a shot of adrenaline. When I managed to cach my breath I proceeded to write it all down on a scrap of paper i had by my bed.
I still can still smell the foul smell of her breath and hear that hissing laugh . . .

Breathe.

I am back 

but he has gone 

Now I am waiting for his plane to land, the plane that will deliver him safely to his country

He has gone 

I can hardly believe it 

I feel empty 

Theres nothing left after the tears run dry

Back home again. . . 

Leaving me pining for his precence

There is emptiness in the space by my side

where my darling should be . . .

Where he has been for the last nineteen days 

That felt like forever

and no time at all.

He held me tight and kissed my tears 

Im going to go now, he whisperes softly 

I nod , I know he has to go, but I hold him tighter 

why does it have to be like this 

Even those perfect nineteen days had to end

as he walked away into the crowd with tears streaking his face

I feel what its like to have the person you love the most taken away from you 

I start shaking

my wounds raw and screaming

I want him to turn back 

I want to call out to him 

I want to feel him in my arms one last time 

Kiss him one last time 

I want it so badly I can hardly breathe

But I don't 

Because I can't 

I want to die 

Because my reason to live is leaving me

And there are so many ways that I could die

And I think about them.

But thats all I do 

Because In the midst of the pain and the loss

the heartbreak of his tear-stained beautifull face

I know I have to stay alive 

Because he is coming back to me.

He keeps me breathing.